The Hindi word for bureaucracy is Naukarshahi, the rule of servants, public servants. The English word for Naukarshahi should be bureaucrazy. Because what just happened or didn’t happen in Prayagraj is crazy! We have always known that in the grand theatre of our democracy, every citizen is equal, but some are spectacularly more equal.
BSNL Director (Consumer Fixed Access) Vivek Banzal, a seasoned ITS officer who has seen more telecom circles than most people see films, decided to grace Prayagraj with his presence. What was meant to be a routine inspection round turned into an unintended masterpiece of absurdity, thanks to a leaked office order dated February 19 from the Office of the Principal General Manager, Prayagraj.
This order was not paperwork, but performance art. Twenty-one agenda points, each dripping with devotion, each assigning officers with mobile numbers listed so that in case the hair oil didn’t grease the palm well, the right person could be shouted at. The mission: ensure “zero inconvenience” for the Director during his visit on 25 and 26 February. Inconvenience, apparently, includes everything from dusty roads to dry scalps to the unthinkable horror of arriving at the Sangam without a fresh pair of underwear (VIP or Lux Cozy?).
Let us savour the highlights, because the document’s charm lies precisely in its unedited sincerity.
Point 14: “Cleaning/Decoration of CTO building and campus and sprinkling lime in the way.” Lime, because even the path to enlightenment must be disinfected. Assigned to Sh. Sunil Shrivastava (Ex. Engineer Civil) and Sh. Rajesh Kushwaha (SDE L&B). Dust shall not dare settle.
Point 15: Electrical works. “Arrangement of Light/Fans etc.” Because a dim conference hall might offend the director’s eyes more than the dim Namami Gange offends the nose.
Point 16: “Arrangement of Bookey at Circuit House, Prayagraj Junction & at Conf Hall.” Bookey. Not bouquet. Bookey. Like a tiny book of poems for the soul, perhaps. Or maybe the typist was thinking of booking a room and got confused mid-sentence. Sh. Amit Kumar Singh and Sh. Riyaz Ahmad get the honour. Bookeys to be handed over prior to all related committee members. Was it bookey pet?
Point 17: “Arrangement of Name Plates, Dias, Towels, decoration-04, Folders, Water Bottles, crockery, chairs, sound system/snacks etc.” Dias. Not dais. Dias. Sh. Deepak Tripathi and Sh. Yogendra Singh handle this literary flourish. Sound system included, presumably to amplify the director’s words. Or the committee’s apologies if anything goes wrong.
Point 18: The undisputed star. Purchasing and packing kits for two days, four vehicles. Water bottles, chocolates, chips, fruit juice, glasses, napkins. Then the bathing kits. Male: six nos. “Towel, underwear, Mirror Comb, Soap, Shampoo, Oil, slipper etc.” Female: two nos. Same list, minus underwear. Because perhaps the committee believes women are born with spare dignity.
But wait. The hotel and circuit house provisions include “Saving Kit”. Not shaving kit. Saving Kit. As if Babu Banzal needs to be rescued from facial hair in an emergency. “Saving Kit, Towel, Toothpaste, Brush, Soap, Shampoo, comb and Oil (Only Circuit House).” One can imagine the panic: “Sir, your beard is growing! Quick, deploy the saving kit!”
And the piece de resistance: “One bed sheet for general use at Ghat.” General use. Shared sanctity, family-style.
The itinerary is relentless. Arrival at Prayagraj Junction 6 am. Escort to hotel. Breakfast. Sangam snan with boat ride. Bade Hanuman Ji, Patlapuri, Akshayavat temples. Passes, packets, sleepers ,wait, slippers. The document says “sleeper” in places, “slipper” in others. Sleepers for the feet or for the journey? Who knows. Then lunch en route to Kaushambi. Prabhas Giri mountain. Jain mandir. More temples. Evening return.
The next day is reserved for justification of the pilgrimage: CTO conference, PPT, flex banners, name plates, bookeys, mementos, photography, videography, catering. Two white Innova Crysta cars with new towels on seats inside. Officers assigned to refresh towels periodically. So sweat! Because perspiration is the enemy of protocol.
Over 50 officers mobilised. Sh. Pawan Kumar Swarnkar juggling towels, mirrors, combs, bedsheets, sleepers. Sh. Yogendra Singh on agenda, drafting, and everything else. DGMs, AGMs, SDEs, JTOs, JEs—all with numbers provided, so the director could ring if the saving kit ran out of blades.
This was not hospitality. This was a military-grade spiritual operation in a PSU that has been in the ICU for years. The world is going from 5G to 6G while BSNL is going strong on G-Huzoori.
Damn the social media warriors. Somebody leaked the order. The backlash was swift and savage. Within a day, the visit was cancelled. Programme withdrawn. Protocol invalidated. Leak “accidental”. As accidental as a 21-point order can be.
The Sangam will flow on, holy and indifferent. She flows out of Shiva’s matted hair, no contingency for hair oil. She needs no saving kit. She knows, eventually, Namami Gange is in the hands of the bureaucracy, not the Ganga ka Beta who she called over to Varanasi. The Ganga will cleanse herself, and our sins for free, without a committee debating slipper quantities.
This BSNL chauka, er runout exposes the rot we always knew stank. VIP culture is not a bug in the system; it is the feature. It distances rulers from the ruled, turns servants into masters, and mocks the very idea of public service. In a nation that boasts of being the world’s largest democracy, some still believe power means privilege, not responsibility. Babus live better than elected leaders who have to at least face elections. Politicians must campaign to win; bureaucrats need to pass an exam and from then on, it’s just wins, by pleasing the politician in power.
The eternal optimist in me sees hope here. Public shaming forces what conscience doesn’t. A big salute to the dip that never was. To bookeys, dias, sleepers, and saving kits. To the sheer audacity of a sycophant bureaucracy that squanders public money while pretending to serve the public. To the idea of a fresh underwear.
(Kamlesh Singh is a columnist and satirist who believes public servants should serve the public, not play dress-up for directors. He also believes saving kits should be reserved for actual emergencies, like poor network coverage.)
