Weddings run high on emotions, energy, and pretty much everything. After all, is it even a wedding when there’s no dramatic flair?
And well, attending a wedding is often exciting – you get to wear a nice outfit, enjoy unlimited food, dance, and maybe get clicked.
But when the wedding is neither that of a relative nor a friend, but your ex’s, it’s not just another social commitment. It’s a dilemma. And then you’re not worrying about what to wear; you’re wondering if you’ll feel something when you see them at the mandap.
Well, if romcoms have taught us anything, it’s that weddings and the ‘ex’ quotient are a dangerous mix. Reopening the ex files can be a slippery slope.
What if they dance to Channa Mereya? What if you cannot see them in a sherwani or shaadi ka joda without feeling something shift? What if an old flame begins to spark again? So many what-ifs.
But before we answer whether you should attend your ex’s wedding or even invite one, it is essential to dig a little deeper.
The ex files
Every story has a different ending and sometimes different versions of the same ending. How that story closed plays a major part before either partner embarks on a new journey.
According to Taylor Elizabeth, emotional intelligence and etiquette coach, “It all rests on emotional maturity, the reason behind the breakup, and the relational undercurrents at the moment. If real closure, mutual respect, and no lasting attachment are present, attending or inviting speaks of healthy growth.”
“But if there are unsettled feelings, comparisons, bitterness, or buried hope, it can open emotional wounds. The decision should not be based on proving maturity or appearing evolved. It should come from emotional steadiness.”
If you have the slightest urge to interject when the priest says, “If anyone present knows of any reason that this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace” — this RSVP is not for you.
If you fear you might say the wrong name at the altar, you are doomed. This game is not for you. Not everyone gets a Ross-and-Rachel ending.
Relationship expert Ruchi Ruuh puts it bluntly: “If there are unresolved romantic feelings, hurt, or comparison, a wedding becomes a psychological battleground. In the Indian context, especially, weddings are not intimate affairs. They are family events with a lot riding on them socially and emotionally.”
If that isn’t true, what is?
Okay, you would be lying if you said you’ve never picked up your phone and searched (read: stalked) a former partner to see what they have been up to. Curiosity is natural. Pretty human.
And that’s precisely why one even ponders inviting or attending a former partner’s wedding.
“For some, it might be true closure, the ability to witness your ex’s happiness without feeling negative emotions,” says Ruuh. “For others, it may be curiosity: Who did they choose? Are they better than me? A few might go to show they’re thriving.”
Weddings can be performative and not just the ones staged on sangeet night.
If you do attend, what does it say about you?
“On a psychological level, attending may reflect that the relationship has merged into your life story without emotional charge. On the other hand, it can showcase unanswered attachment, comparison, or a hidden need to seek validation. If it comes with anxiety, expectation, or the urge to prove something, there is a need for deeper emotional work,” says Elizabeth.
Hence, the keyword here is intention. If there is peaceful, neutral, and grounded motivation, it reflects emotional processing.
Before you roll your eyes, this is not just gyan. People do it.
Not every decision to invite an ex is driven by ego or unresolved longing. Sometimes, it’s simply about tying up a chapter with grace.
“I invited my ex to get a sense of closure and then honestly didn’t think much about it. I wasn’t actively looking forward to seeing him as I had a hundred other things to manage before the wedding,” shares Dr Kripa Vasant Reddy (name changed), a gender studies lecturer.
“Surprisingly, he did show up. He met me briefly — not my husband — wished me well and, I think, left early. I’m not even sure if he stayed for dinner. It all felt normal.” He even brought a gift, she says, but didn’t hand it to her directly or put his name on it. “When I saw it, I just knew.”
There was no drama, no awkward undercurrent. “There was no malaise. The intention was kind, and that’s it. There’s a reason I only invited him and not the entire past,” she chuckles.
Dr Reddy was emotionally steady. There was clarity. There were boundaries. Hence, it worked in this case.
But emotions are not always easy to untangle. So how do you know if you’re actually neutral or just performing neutrality while playing dress-up?
Self-check-in point
While your friends’ group chat is blowing up with advice for and against your decision, take a breather and do a self-check-in, advises Elizabeth.
“Would you feel uneasy seeing them affectionate with their partner? Are you secretly hoping for closure? Do you want to compare yourself with the new partner? If imagining the event triggers anxiety, defensiveness, or overthinking, there is no neutrality. True readiness feels calm and grounded.”
And if you do attend, emotional intelligence doesn’t mean becoming the main character.
How to behave at your ex’s wedding
There are unspoken rules.
Be gracious. Keep congratulations brief and sincere. Don’t overstay. Don’t overdrink. Don’t revisit the past or have long, emotionally heavy conversations, that’s another slippery slope!
Most importantly, it’s not about you. Don’t turn their milestone into your closure ceremony. “Emotional elegance means knowing when to make an appearance and how to take little to no emotional space,” explains Elizabeth.
And you are all good to go, it might just be empowering too. How?
“The empowerment is internally felt and is not performative. It’s empowering when you go as a whole person, not as a silent competitor. It’s empowering if you genuinely feel gratitude for what that relationship once taught you. But if the underlying motive is to prove something, to be seen, or to create drama, then it’s not empowerment,” Ruuh adds.
Verdict?
When you see the couple at the mandap, a not so quiet thought may pass — if we hadn’t messed up, would we have ended up together? But maybe it unfolded this way for a reason. Maybe it is all happening for the best.
Experts say that when the latter thought takes prominence, then you are probably emotionally steady.
Weddings stir up a cocktail of emotions and history. In such a scenario, inner clarity is more important than social appearances. Friendship with an ex can work — but only when there is zero romantic residue, total transparency, and very clear lines that no one crosses.
Can it really be casual to attend your ex’s wedding? Forever debatable.
Experts say there is no universal answer. After all, it’s love at play, and there are no rules.
Alexa cue: Accha chalta hun, duaon mai yaad rakhna…
