Being a people pleaser is tough. Saying yes to everyone, all the time, even when it comes at the cost of your own comfort, is exhausting. But what’s even more draining is being a people pleaser as a parent.
As a parent, your decisions don’t just affect you anymore; they affect a tiny human who depends entirely on you to keep them safe. You know that people getting too close to your baby can increase the risk of infection, yet when that aunt who travelled all the way insists on a peck on the cheek, you smile and nod.
You also know packaged food isn’t good for your baby, yet when an uncle at a family gathering hands them a biscuit, you stay quiet so no one feels awkward or offended.
In moments like these, people-pleasing comes from the fear of upsetting others, of being seen as rude, overprotective, or “too much.” So you silence your instincts and prioritise other people’s comfort over your own boundaries.
The problem is, people-pleasing parents don’t stop at managing adults’ emotions. They often extend the same behaviour to their children, agreeing to every demand, avoiding meltdowns at all costs, and saying yes even when they know they should say no. Over time, this turns into a pattern where boundaries disappear and guidance takes a back seat.
And this is where it becomes toxic.
First, know the traits
So by now, you know that people-pleasing parents are those who really struggle with conflict or with anyone being upset with them, including their own children.
Dr Munia Bhattacharya, senior consultant – clinical psychology, Marengo Asia Hospital, Gurugram, tells India Today that at its core, this parenting style is driven by a deep need for everyone to be happy and to feel liked and approved of, rather than being guided by what a child might truly need in the moment.
“These parents often have a hard time saying no, even when they know they probably should. They will go out of their way to avoid arguments or tantrums, often giving in just to keep the peace. You might hear them apologising constantly, even for things that aren’t their fault.”
The doctor further adds that their sense of being a “good parent” is often tied to how happy or pleased their child seems, which makes holding boundaries or disciplining their child feel incredibly difficult and anxiety-provoking.
The fear of disappointing
This behaviour is not kindness, but mostly fear, shares Dr Sonali Chaturvedi, consultant – psychology, Arete Hospitals, Hyderabad, adding that it stems from fear of being disliked, fear of repeating one’s own parents’ mistakes, or fear of conflict and emotional outbursts.
“It is definitely fear-driven,” she says.
Meanwhile, for such parents, lack of boundaries becomes one of the biggest issues. According to Dr Bhattacharya, this really lies at the heart of the problem.
Boundaries are like healthy fences that protect everyone’s well-being within a family. With people-pleasing parents, these fences are weak or sometimes non-existent.
As a result, it becomes difficult for parents to know where they end and their child begins. Over time, this can create a dynamic where the child, often without realising it, starts to feel responsible for their parent’s feelings.
The child pays the price
Experts tell us that in the short term, a child may find it easy to get what they want, but the absence of clear limits can also feel deeply unsettling, making the world seem unpredictable and unsafe. This often shows up as poor frustration tolerance and, in some cases, a growing sense of entitlement, where hearing “no” becomes extremely difficult to accept.
Over time, the impact runs deeper. Children learn by watching their parents, and when a parent constantly hides tiredness, sadness or frustration to keep the child happy, the message is clear: real feelings are not safe to express. The child begins to believe that other people’s happiness matters more than their own needs and that conflict must always be avoided.
As these children grow into adults, many struggle with anxiety and a fragile sense of self, driven by a constant need for approval. They often find authority challenging, have difficulty maintaining stable relationships, and struggle to set or respect boundaries.
What parents need to understand is that this behaviour can shape who their child becomes. Over time, the child may grow into a people’s pleaser themselves; an anxious, approval-seeking adult who struggles with self-worth and setting healthy boundaries.
As per Dr Bhattacharya, this is a very common pattern. Children learn what love and relationships look like from their first teachers, their parents. When they grow up believing that it is their responsibility to keep a parent happy and calm, they carry that belief into the outside world. Love begins to feel like sacrifice, and relationships become tied to validation. This early learning often sets the stage for lifelong anxiety and a constant need for approval from others.
Further, Dr Sonali Chaturvedi explains that such behaviour trains children to make guilt-driven decisions. This becomes toxic over time, as parents sacrifice authenticity in an attempt to keep the peace. The child may become emotionally dominant, while the home itself lacks structure, leaving little room for clear guidance or healthy boundaries.
How to let go
Change begins with small, gentle steps, rooted in building your own tolerance for discomfort, share experts. Start by practising tiny “no’s” in low-stakes moments. Allow your child to feel disappointed when you can’t immediately meet a request, and resist the urge to rush in and fix that feeling. Sit with the discomfort and remind yourself that it is okay for your child to be upset, that they are safe, and that this does not make you a bad parent.
It’s important to accept that discomfort is a healthy part of growing up. Your role is not to approve of every behaviour or make difficult emotions disappear, but to remain calm and present while your child experiences them. When parents learn to regulate their own emotions instead of reacting or feeling triggered, they create space for children to process their feelings in a healthy way.
Saying no, even to small things, is a crucial part of this shift. It is okay to refuse what isn’t required and to let go of the guilt that often follows. Over time, this helps restore structure and clarity, both for the parent and the child.
For parents who find this especially hard, seeking support can be deeply helpful. Therapy, journaling, or boundary training can uncover where the need to please comes from and provide tools to respond differently.
Takeaway
When parents constantly choose peace aover boundaries, children miss out on learning important life skills like frustration tolerance, respect, and emotional regulation.
Remember that parenting isn’t about keeping everyone happy all the time; it’s about making uncomfortable but necessary choices in the best interest of your child. Sometimes, protecting your child means disappointing others and learning to be okay with that.
