Valentine’s month is supposed to be fun and great; you and your partner are ready to celebrate and feel special. But not all of us have partners, and many of us are lonely. Not just lonely, but also stressed lonely because we don’t have partners, may have very limited friends, and family may be away.
And stressed because we may have relationships and partners, but there are difficulties and arguments, and it is not at all rosy – so your friend and their partner are blooming with love, and you and your partner are just about surviving with each other. As psychologists, we do see an increase in the number of stress and anxiety cases when closer to Valentine’s month -people are struggling to match up to society’s expectation of having a great relationship and not being single. The question is -do we really need to match the stereotype? Can we just embrace our current truth and work towards loving ourselves rather than someone else as per society’s expectations? The answer is yes, that is how it should be…but it is so hard to implement, suggests Sheena Sood, consultant in psychology and counsellor at P. D. Hinduja Hospital and Medical Research Centre, Khar, Mumbai. Sood shares some of her recent Valentine’s month experiences at the clinic
I had a case where a lady was so upset and crying, and anxious, and kept feeling awful and guilty, and horrible. She was so worried that it’s almost Valentine’s Day and a week full of chocolate day, teddy day, rose day and propose day, and her best friend was out there celebrating with her partner and feeling all showered with joy, love, and care. Whereas this lady had just broken up with her long-time partner and was feeling miserable.
She forgot that her step of breaking up was an act of self-love more important than any kind of society-driven love. Her partner physically abused her and emotionally abused her, so she was not at all counting that – all she could think of was how society has a set way of celebrating something, and she doesn’t fit in it. Therapy helped her realise that self-love over any kind of stereotypical love is necessary and the only way relationships can sustain, because if you can’t love yourself, no one can love you, or you can hardly love someone else too.
There was another case where the person felt being single was a big issue. He was so miserable and undervaluing himself and feeling awful because he did not have a partner – he did not realise that he was young and needed a job and good education, and that should be a priority, and not having a partner cannot define his worth. Again, therapy helped him realise this. And he slowly had goals that mattered way more than having a partner and a full celebration on chocolate day, teddy day, rose day, propose day and of course, Valentine’s Day – basically the whole Valentine’s moth, just because his friends were hyping it up so much.
Another case was where there was rejection – a patient was rejected by a girl he proposed to on Valentine’s day, and he felt unworthy and really felt like a failure – he felt he was not good enough and there was no point in anything without the girl being in his life. He felt rejected as a person and was very depressed and stressed. Therapy helped him realize that no relationship or rejection can define his worth. His worth comes from within and not from people and their acceptance or rejection or validation – he will remain worthy – as rejection and failure are events and cannot define him.
So yes, Valentine’s month can be stressful and getting help at the right time can come in handy.
